Tunnel Vision

I thought I would write about an incident or 2 from my past today.

The idea of this was bought about when I was chatting to my lady, Miss Noh Kia, whist on the train to work this morning. Sitting at Brighton station, waiting for my train to pull away I was watching the rest of the rat-race filling the platform waiting for another train.

It put me in mind of my younger days, living in Essex*, when I would have to commute on the Southend to London (Misery) line. My station was about 9 along the line from Southend and considering it went thru the commuter towns of Benfleet, Pitsea (Apt name) and Stanford-le-Hope, it was pretty full by the time it got to me! Now as if this wasn't bad enough the actual station would be full (I mean sardine can full) of commuters, so much so that you couldn't even get onto the platform! You had to get there at least 45 minutes before the train you wanted to catch was due.

So the next train comes thru, already pretty much full, and half of the people filter off platform and onto train. Always, without fail, there would be the numpty that thinks he can push his way thru from behind everyone else, only to be met with a few severe wound to the shins and thighs! Those briefcases can be fooking dangerous!

Eventually you're in the front 3 or 4 rows that will make it onto the next train! Bare in mind this is the days of the old slam-door trains. So someone would always have the door open before the train had come to a halt, so you can't get TO close for risk of getting decapitated by said door! The train stops and you cram yourself in! Now that you're on the train your luck can go one of two ways...

1. You find a seat!!!! MIRACLE! So, in a cloud of smugness you plat your butt thinking, "I am not giving up this seat even for a pregnant 60 year old with varicose veins the size of sewer pipes!" However your smugness is very short lived, as no sooner have you sat down you realise that you have sat next to "Colin the office idiot" We all know the type, JUST like Colin from the fast show (Google it if you don't) And Colin has a slight personal hygiene problem, as in he has NO IDEA what soap is for!! And! As if that isn't bad enough, RIGHT in front of you, in fact so close you could touch with your nose, is a wide expanse of floral eye rapery! wrapped around the largest, lumpiest ass you have EVER seen!

or...

2. There's no seat and you end up standing, pressed, crotch to butt with some be-suited business man, who seems to be pushing back?!?

The journey doesn’t get any better either. There's another 8 or so stations between there and Fenchurch so MORE people trying to squeeze in.

Eventually that over-stuffed, hot, sweaty train would rattle into Fenchurch "Your last station stop" and spew commuters onto the tiny platforms there. What a site it must have been to the casual observer, 1000's of people shuffling silently down into a tiny stair well, filtering thru four or five ticket barriers. The bottle neck here was ALWAYS made worse by someone having trouble getting thier ticket to register on the auto barrier. Invariably people would be crushing up behind, silently cursing the OBVIOUS blithering idiot up front.

Once out of the station you had to negotiate your way to Tower tube station... see pt 2

 

*feel free to add bad Essex jokes that we've all heard a dozen times and they weren't even funny the first time!